The Midnight News 11.24.03

Posted By Hyatte on 11.24.03

Canadian Porn, Tammy, Ultimate Fighting, Suicidal TNAers, Raven, Quotes, and the the Most Obnoxious Set-Up Ever

Love the column, but even you must be able to appreciate the irony of calling someone an "imbecile," but spelling it "imecile."

Darryl Grant

Damn spellcheck can kiss my ass in hell.

Just popped up to say HELLO and keep up the good work. Is it just me, or

have your columns got a lil bit more female friendly since Tammy's been onboard? Anyway, this female likes it.

Carry on, young fella. And feel free to mention how utterly fabulous New

Zealand is. Cos it is. CosI said so. And I rule.

Ang

I’ve been a lil bit more female friendly ever since I realized that A: Chicks read this column and B: Unlike guys, when chi… oh, I should call them girls… read message board posts about how sucky I am, they tend to go see for themselves before agreeing, whereas guys just automatically assume whoever said I suck must be right. And C: Girls are better readers than boys… much more thoughtful too.

You rule New Zealand? Doesn’t that just mean you tend to more sheep than most folk?

You mean there really is a New Zealand? Jesus, I just thought the whole country was a wrestling gimmick. Was there an Old Zealand? What happened to it? Who is Zea and why does he get a goddam country named after him? Why isn’t there a “Hyattia”? Dammit.

Thank god for "Page Down". Seriously. If you got a nickel for everytime I pressed the goddamn button... well you'd have about $4... but thats alot of page downs. Now you're posting full articles from other sites trying to make your articles look long.

Hey whats that over there? Seriously look... oh its Scott Keith and he's waving at you as he flies by you on the funny meter. That's right, Scott Keith is funnier than you are... what happened?

Mikey Franchise

As a rule, no man who uses the phrase “funny meter” has any business judging who’s funnier than whom.

I did the math. You pressed the Page Down Button 80 TIMES???? That’s impossible… unless you have that shaky Michael J Fox disease. Poor guy… WHY MIKEY FRANCHISE, GOD??? WHY NOT ME!! TAKE ME... DAMMIT!! TAKE ME!!

Hello Chris,

I just wanted to say that I enjoy your columns. I have been reading you

since about 99, (more or less). From Scoops, wrestline, to Dusty, to 411. I may have forgetten some. I can't remember.

Anyway, I think that your stuff is great, and honestly, I have never laughed out loud while reading anything but your stuff. That is pretty talented. I would like to say though, your bashing of other IWC writers is really kind of boring.

Your making fun of the other IWC guys is like making fun of the retarded kids at school. Sure it is easy to do, but what does it accomplish in the end. A few laughs, maybe...

Come on, you are better, and way more talented than that.

Keep up the good work,

Andrew

Eh, in a few days we’ll see just how talented I really am.

I remember when you were one of my favorites. It was a few years back when I was still in school. No one could touch you in a feud. Not Rick. Not Bob. Not Dusty. You smoked them all.

So I grew up, I matured. You didn't. The only problem was that the people you feuded with stopped playing. CRZ didn't respond. Rick Scaia didn't respond. Finally, a guy on the same site as you who might be more or as popular as you didn't respond. You sure kept it up on Keith. What were you waiting to happen? For him to respond? For him to challenge you to a fist fight?

None of my business. So your blue haired boss apparently chewed you out for attacking Keith last week. You know how I know? You didn't say word one about Keith this week. Sure, you "pooped" on his blog spot. How ingenius! You truly are the master zinger. The old Hyatte would have stabbed Keith last week and then dug his claws into the hole he created and made it a gaping wound this week.

Instead, you pussied out. Wow! What a woman. Unless I'm mistaken, you don't get money for doing this. The only reason to do it is your enjoyment. You enjoy torturing Scott Keith, but being yelled at by a kid with blue hair and a kids website (you beem to widro .com? Weird) is enough to make you piss your pants. That's not the Hyatte I knew. That's not even the Hyatte I want to know.

You want to be infantile and continue to "net feud" with people who ignore you? Fine. I loved you for it once, don't really care about it now besides finding your hatred mildly entertaining. At least be a man about what you choose to do. The Hyatte I know left the best wrestling site on the internet, Scoops, when even a little censorship threatened him, for their arch nemisis Scoopthis. Widro threatening you? Show the net who you are again! Go to a competing site! That'll teach em, and it'll show me the Hyatte I knew ain't dead yet.

Unless you are dead. In which case, have fun taking tiny little jabs at Keith.

This is going to sound like a plea to put me in the column, but please do not put me in the column.

Long time listener first time caller,

Steve Cohen

I’m not sure, I think he wants me to leave 411 and go to another site where I’ll be free to attack whoever I want, even though he’s making it clear that the art of attacking whoever I want really sucks these days. So, no matter which road I take, I’ll still end up in Suckville, Alberta Canada.

I am having a problem and do not know whom to turn to. I am an avid wrestling fan and know good stuff when I see it and 411 is great. If you couldn't help me I know you know somebody who can.

Some guys at work and I have an on-going argument that needs to be settled.

I say that there was only one Ultimate Warrior, Jim Helwig, they say there were two. I know there was a rumor that UW was killed back in the 90's, but they say that the original Renegade from WCW was the Warrior that appreared in WCW to face Hogan. I said that there was only one Renegade, Joe Gomez, but was not a big WCW fan, and am not for sure. What I think is that Helwig wouldn't let anybody else steal his thunder and that he wouldn't ever be anyone else other that Warrior.

So who is right? The guys who think Renegade became the Warrior for his WCW run or me who thinks that Renegade and Warrior were never the same guy and that the WCW Warrior WAS the WWF Warrior?

Any help in clearing up this matter would be greatly appreciated!

Keep up the good work and hope to hear from you soon!

p.s. If I win they owe me a Coke, If I lose I owe them BOTH Coke's. So $3 is riding on this!

Matt Miller

$3? Well, with those sorts of stakes, I better treat this seriously.

Hellwigger was, is, and always has been the Ultimate Warrior. No one else. And he was the BOMB in Chicago, yo.

The REAL question is: What the HELL are you asking ME for? I’m stupid Hyatte! You got guys like Scherer and Keller who dedicate HOURS AND HOURS answering these questions… you’ve got guys like Scott Keith taking time out of their busy schedule recapping “Friends” to show off their expertise by answering questions like this. Heck, you can even ask Tammy Sytch if you wanted, because she would know better than all of us morons.

Hello, Penis Breaths, I am Chris and this is the Midnight News. My intention going into today was to bang out a short column and get right back to work wrapping up another project that will be making it’s premiere in a few days… perhaps you’ve heard me talk about it and if you haven’t, you will soon enough! But it looks as if I’ll actually have a lot of stuff to slip in here quick, so if all goes well, you’ll get a full column to drool over, filled with news and insights and knee slapping chucklebusters, and I’ll STILL get out of here quick and get to finishing the uber-project… which is going so good I… I… I’m actually surprising the shit out of myself this time!

Anyway, time is short and the mood is good… so open up and take the bone… take it… take it ALL, BITCH!!!

BUT, PLUGS

I’ve actually have a few things I’d like to plug here. Why not? Even Hyatte can be charitable when he wants to be!

Since the sun rises and sets on me, we kick off by informing you that I have banged out ANOTHER Guide to Live column over at Flea’s site for the second week in a row! In it I answer questions about such varied topics as confidence, self-esteem, getting the girl, getting the boy (because I’m a FAG!!), and how to get killer abs of steel in just 48 hours (it involves a LOT of puking!) I also talk to the kids… and a 16 year old calls me God. All that and more!

Then after you study my every word, you click back here to 411 and read Scoop This. NoSoul is back and this time, he promises a fresh new column every week!! Well, no he doesn’t, but if he e-mails you, be prepared to be called “dude” a lot!

Then after you wrap up with NoSoul, you zip over to the 411 movie section (we have a movie section? Since when?) and see Josh Grut work that voodoo that he do so well. Maybe if we’re lucky, he’ll throw my name into it, it would be rare of him, but you never know.

Then you take a detour and go read Derek Burgan’s Torch/Observer merge. It’s funny… especially when you notice that Pat McNeil is NOWHERE to be found… which is what would happen if the Torch and the Observer ever did merge. Ol’ Pat’s kicked to the curb… HA!

Then, finally, you go read Flea’s Saturday 411 column, even though he swears to God he doesn’t care if anyone reads it. And even though he outlines the entire Ric Flair DVD for your convenience and for his pleasure… but he doesn’t recap it… oh no, don’t you DARE accuse Flea of recapping ANYTHING.

Ah yes, and Flea has informed me that he is beginning to lay the groundwork for the next IWC 100… so you losers had better start bringing your A-Game, because Flea’s watching.

Flea’s having fun, and doing what he does best… that’s all that matters. There’s a reason I hired him.

Then come back and re-read this column again… jackals.

LOVE, CANADIAN STYLE

So… THAT’S how Canadians kiss? Well Jesus H… no WONDER you’re all so uptight.

Of course, I’m referring to the Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus kiss on last week’s RAW, or what would pass for a kiss only in the mind of the horniest loser America could possibly offer (or anyone from downtown Winnipeg! HAW!!).

Okay, okay…. So neither of them took an acting class. That’s forgivable.

And okay, Jericho’s married with a newborn child. Who knows how understandable the wife is to stuff like this. “Why can’t you just put on the Walls of Jericho to someone?? Why make you do THAT crap??” That’s understandable.

And OKAY… Trish has on make-up that no one wants to see smudged. (Even tho’ I think she’s just as gosh darn purty without it… golly gee, aw shucks)

And FINE… it’s their first kiss… and looking at how quick the WWE moves their stories, we’ll see tongue action next week and they’ll be married by January.

I don’t mind any of that… here’s what made me cringe…

Why, for the love of CHRIST, do the WWE writers make these TWO, GROWN, CONSENTING ADULTS speak like goddam high school teenagers??

“I… I… I can’t stop thinking about you, Trish. Night and day, you’re always on my mind. I… I don’t want that to stop…” OH GAG GAG GAG!!!

Hey morons… even high school kids, the people you lifted that nonsense from, looked at that scene and said, “Oh WHATEVER!”

The problem is that the WWE DESPERATELY needs a FEMALE to write their dialogue… or at least a MALE who hasn’t spent his life reading comic books and writing for “Days of Our Lives”.

I watched that and half-expected Jericho to carry Trish’s book bag for her.

Now clearly, both wrestlers were uncomfortable in that scene… you could tell… Stratus could barely look Jericho in the eye. Trust me, I don’t care if you were getting paid 20 million… YOU couldn’t make those lines work… Jack fucking Nicholson couldn’t make those lines work!

Next week, Jericho asks Trish to go to the prom with him. She agrees, but ONLY if he agrees to go steady!

I swear, they better have booked the Fonz to show up and tell Jericho to sit on it. Because with dialogue like that, only a Henry Winkler appearance will save this angle.

Or do I have it all wrong and this is how ALL Canadian couples behave? Did these two kids write their OWN dialogue?

Jeeze Louise… a fascinating storyline is almost ruined by groan inducing scriptwork. It’s shit like this that makes me wonder if maybe Scott Keith really DID get hired by the WWE.

Poor Jericho. Poor Trish. I tried to console her AIM imposter the other day but she wasn’t around.

Speaking of babes I have the hots for…

A BITCH FROM THE SYTCH

Tammy’s got several topics on the table this week… and as I type this sentence she JUST signed on AIM… maybe I can get a few words with her in an EXCLUSIVE INTER….

Oh well damn, she just logged off… once again, the charisma machine that is Hyatte fails to establish a foothold in the heart of SunTammy. Once again, not ALL Ladies Love Cool Hy. Dammit.

Ric Flair called me “Glorious”, top that!

What to write for this week's column? Well that was something that had stumped me for a while. First and foremost, once again I caught almost none of the WWE this week, which means I can't ramble on with that. Sure I have round 2 of my fantasy booking, but I need something else to talk about. I actually found it in the man, the myth, the legend... Ric Flair.

There is a lot of buzz about Flair all over the internet basically about how great he is, and everyone seems to have forgotten that. This new DVD has sparked a new interest in the Nature Boy, as well as the old glory days of NWA/WCW. Well, I for one am glad and hope it leads to ton of WCW stuff coming to DVD. Wouldn't a Clash of the Champions Box Set be amazing? Hell, WWF should go the distance and box set EVERY WCW PPV in separate boxes of course, and the same with the WWE PPVs. I'm sure the prices would be expensive, but I bet all the true wrestling fans would buy them. So many great matches, angles and the like.

But back to topic. I thought I'd include some of my personal favorite Ric Flair moments that probably aren't on DVD.

1.WCW Nitro: Giant & Ric Flair vs ??? Hogan and Macho maybe, but it doesn't matter who the opponents were. Flair is 13 time World Champion here. He and the Giant are teaming up as part of the Dungeon of Doom & 4 Horsemen's teaming against Hogan. Flair is in perhaps the best shape in a long time and the Horsemen were running high at this point. He's flanked by Miss Liz & Woman. As the match starts to break apart, The Giant and Flair start to get on each other's nerves. Ending in them losing the match, and Flair and Giant exchanging looks and perhaps blows. Then the great part about old Nitro is when wrestlers would run up to the announce booth and declare matches or bitch. In this case, Flair goes up to the announce booth, and he's ANGRY! Not only that, but he's going off as only Ric Flair can. He insists he wants The Giant next week. And then

gets the line of the night with..."I didn't like the way you looked at the girls anyway!” Genius, pure genius.

2. The next week on Nitro, Flair vs Giant. This is when Big Show was a great big man wrestler. He and Flair fight for the World Title. Giant wins, but Flair performs one of his trademark moves, which he has done against Sting, Luger and many others, when he has the Giant in pain from the figure four....HE STARTS SLAPPING THEIR FACE! This would always piss Sting off, etc, but when Flair has the balls to do it to the Giant, it was just a sight to behold. Of course it led to Flair getting chokeslammed and pinned. But for that moment, Flair was the man. I mean if you are fighting a 7'4" monster who's been kicking your ass for 10 minutes and you finally get him down and almost out, would you slap his face and taunt him? No, but Ric Flair would.

3. Another great Monday Nitro moment. Flair is preparing for match with Hogan, they get into it, and whattaya know at the end of the show Flair ends up at the broadcast booth again. No idea ANYTHING Flair says other then..."Hogan... SUPPPPABRAWL!” But with that small statement, Flair starts a rant like no one else, and continues to yell Superbrawl in the most over the top fashion, you knew he wanted Hogan BAD!

4. Flair vs Vader from Superbrawl 10, I think its 10. Anyway, its Flair's big comeback and he and Vader pull out all the stops. Flair wins the belt here too.

5. This might be the all time best line here from Flair. This is right after WCW revamped Nitro with the new set and everything. They are pushing the "new age" of WCW, and Flair is out in the ring doing something. He and Sting get into it, and Sting gets on the mic and asks if this is the new WCW and everyone is young and fresh, "Why are YOU still here?" and Flair in the most quick response that got a huge ovation...."Cause I'm still the man brother!” Only Flair could pull that line off with such class, because he was for all purposes, still the man.

6. Hogan/Flair Uncensored Barbwire Cage. I remember seeing this match and thinking it was great. While the rules get all distorted and everything, Hogan is the BAD GUY here and Flair is the GOOD Guy. Kudos to both men, because by the end of the night...Flair is the BAD GUY and Hogan is the good guy. Flair also wins the belt here. One of those rare instances where the In Ring product caused a double turn. This is actually done better then Bret/Austin, cause there wasn't months of leading into this, it just happened that night in the ring.

7. Ric Flair on the WWF Funeral Parlor, Undertaker attacks Hogan, but prior, Flair is giving Hogan grief about being the "Real" Worlds Champion. He says, "I'm the Real Worlds Champion, just compare the two" and points to how big and gold his belt is, and Hogan's is much smaller and less shiny.

8. Macho & Hogan versus Flair & Arn from Monday Nitro. Hulk Hogan takes one of those giant green foamy Macho Man hats from a fan at ringside, shoves it over Flair's head and gives him a few punches. Flair sells it like a champ, and even does the Flair flop with the hat over his face. Flair is a great comedic wrestler.

9. Ric Flair's return to Monday Nitro Speech. One of the best speeches, and it was from the heart. Amazing moment in wrestling. Very serious.

10. The Nitro where Ric Flair just snapped and started doing the crazy Ric Flair routine, which actually led to some funny vignettes with Flair in a nut farm. But his first night doing it was great; he slowly undresses during a promo, throwing off his coat, then his shirt, then his pants and he has these bright lime green boxers on. He continues to ramble on giving someone some serious grief, he bounces off the ropes does a crazy strut, and then drops a ELBOW on no one. He actually added this to his crazy routine for quite a while. This was some funny stuff, because while it was comedy he was going off like a madman and you really believed he was upset.

Just 10 moments of Ric Flair greatness that were probably forgotten and certainly won't make it to any "Best Of" DVDs. Which leads me to ask you fans, anyone got any moments of Ric Flair, they'd like to mention? I'll put ‘em here next week.

Okay, I got one bonus one. Its a close personal one to my heart. A few years ago, around 2000. Flair was headlining some WCW shows against Hogan, I was in ECW. Flair did a radio show interview, and someone asked him about me. I think it was Mark Madden. Anyway, he says, "She's glorious, and I'd pay her $1,500 a night out my OWN pocket to be my girl at ringside". It was a moment you'll never forget if your a fan of this man. He says that he'd love to work with you, and would pay you out of his own pocket if he could. It was one of the greatest compliments I ever received. Just thought I'd share.....

Now onto, RAW Fantasy Booking....

WEEK 3 RAW:

Bischoff comes out and calls out Goldberg, says Bill's days are numbered and asks him if anyone has ever taken a spear like Kane did last week and got up. Goldberg says Kane is next, but is interrupted by Test. Test says for two weeks he's taken the legend HBK to the limit. He pleas with Bischoff for a title shot at Goldberg. Bischoff agrees, says he doesn't think Test can get the job done, that only Kane can stop Goldberg, but he'll let Test give it a go.

Kane versus Spike Dudley:

Kane chokeslams Spike off the ramp through a table.

Bubba and D-Von come out say they want Kane, he shouldn't pick on Spike, Kane

tells them to bring it on....

Kane vs Bubba and D-Von:

Kane slaughters both Dudleys, leaving them "injured". All Dudleys are now off

Raw.

Backstage Jericho and Christian are discussing their women problems, Chris says he really loves Trish, Christian admits he really just wanted to hit some of Lita's good stuff, as they are walking, they walk by Matt Hardy, who should be upset by Christian's comments, but seems unscathed. Christian says no hard feelings, Hardy says about what?

Goldust and Hurricane vs Dupree and Conway:

Hurricane and Goldust come within inches of winning the titles, but Conway pulls a slick move, and they leave with the straps. Afterwards Goldust tells Hurricane, all the great tag teams had a name, Demolition, the Road Warriors, Hart Foundation... they can't win the tag titles because they don't have a "Tag team name" and asks the fans to come up with a name for them.

Lita is back, and tells Matt she is proud of him for fighting RVD for a shot at Rico for her. Hardy says he will win them the IC title tonight. Lita says, and then get your revenge on Rico. Hardy "Oh yea...Rico."

Lance Storm versus Scott Steiner:

Storm completely outwrestles Steiner, using all his high points in technical wrestling. Jim Ross continues to note his training from Stu Hart and how he idols Bret. Says that going after HBK is taking his obsession too far.

Terri interviews Rico about getting at big shot at the PPV. Rico asks her if she thinks he deserves it, she says, well no...Rico snaps and lays her out.

RVD vs Matt Hardy IC TITLE:

Hardy & RVD have a 20 minute match of the year candidate, with Matt Hardy hitting EVERYTHING he has on RVD, and Van Dam somehow managing to win. Afterwards, Hardy is completely distraught. Commercial.

Lita tells Matt, its okay he lost, he did his best, and they'll get Rico sooner then later. Matt says, but what about the title, RVD walks by and says don't worry he'll take care of Rico so Matt won't have to worry about Rico getting the title. Hardy: "Yea...that’s what I meant"

HBK vs Christian:

HBK beats Christian, afterwards Christian throws a tantrum. HBK says that’s to be expected, he's from Canada. Lance Storm runs out, but gets a Superkick for his troubles.

Goldberg vs Test:

Goldberg slaughters Test in typical fashion. After the match, Kane runs down the ramp and chokeslams Goldberg. The lights dim and his pyro hits, and when the lights come back on Kane is getting SPEARED again by Goldberg. Kane rises up again, as Security pulls the two apart.

END WEEK 3.

PPV matches so far:

Main Event: Goldberg vs Kane, World Title

Rico vs RVD, IC Title

HBK vs Lance Storm

Well a lot of people have liked and disliked my fantasy WWE, but some folks have emailed me and said, that to be fair, WWE writers on Raw have to book 2 shows, thanks to Sunday Night Heat. While we all know Heat has been primarily on auto-pilot for years, I'll accept that challenge, and here is 4 weeks of HEAT, based around my 4 weeks of RAW.

Week 1 HEAT:

Lance Storm over Rosey

Gail Kim over Ivory

Jindrak and Cade over random Jobbers

Scott Steiner over Tommy Dreamer

Week 2 HEAT:

Hurricane over random jobber

Trish & Lita over Molly & Gail Kim

Matt Hardy over random jobber

Kane over Tommy Dreamer

Week 3 HEAT:

Molly Holly over Ivory

Lita over Gail Kim

Rico over Cade

Trish over Jackie (Postmatch beatdown by Holly & Kim)

Okay week 4, this week is the last Raw before the PPV, so I must finalize a card, as well as set all the final angles in place.

RAW Week 4:

Show opens with a video montage of Kane & Goldberg's last few run-ins.

Lita versus Molly Holly versus Gail Kim, winner to face Trish: Recap of week 3's Heat main event is shown. Molly cheats, and beats Lita & Kim. Afterwards the two double team Lita for a LONG time, until Trish finally makes the save.

Bischoff is out next and announces that tonight is a #1 contenders match for the tag titles, Cade & Jindrak vs Hurricane & Goldust. He then moves on to talk about tonight's main event. He wants to see a preview of Kane & Goldberg but wants to save their confrontation til the PPV, so tonight Kane has BOOKER T, and Goldberg will team up with HBK to face Lance Storm and Test.

Chris Jericho vs Matt Hardy:

Hardy has Jericho beat, when Christian costs him by pulling his leg and making him miss a moonsault. Christian and Jericho beat up on Hardy, ‘til Lita makes the save. Hardy doesn't like being saved by his girl.

Backstage Goldust & Hurricane discuss team names. Goldust has one, but Hurricane says its taken.

Rico vs Test:

Back and fourth match, until Rico snaps and goes for a chair, scared, Test hits the bricks and leaves Stacy to get pummeled to bits by Rico.

Hurricane & Goldust vs Jindrak & Cade:

Jindrak & Cade come out first, then "Here comes the Ax, and here comes the Smasher, Demolition, walking disaster" hits, as Hurricane & Goldust wear makeup like Demolition to a big pop. They win big, and head to the PPV.

Kane vs Booker T:

Booker gives Kane everything he wants and more, but Kane is just way too much and puts Booker away, looking like it was easy.

Backstage Jericho is sitting with Trish, telling her she can beat Molly. As Booker walks by, Jericho laughs at him, saying Kane punk'd him out. Booker asks Jericho if he has any room to talk after Goldberg punk'd him out 2 weeks in a row. Jericho gets in his face, and Booker says they can settle it at the PPV, if you can dig that SUCKA!

RVD vs Christian IC Title:

Christian gets the dupe on RVD after a belt shot, and is about to win, when Hardy pulls him out of the ring. Hits the Twist of Fate, leading to a 5 star and a win for RVD.

Backstage RVD thanks Hardy for saving him, and says he'll repay him by taking

out Rico for the both of them.

Goldberg & HBK vs Storm & Test:

Back and fourth match, HBK hits a superkick on Storm and he turns around to get speared by Goldberg. Jackhammer later, and Goldberg & HBK win. After the match Kane comes out, HBK gives him 3 sweet chin musics, but he keeps coming, taking HBK out, and laying out Goldberg.

END show.

PPV:

World Title: Goldberg versus Kane

IC Title: RVD versus Rico

Tag Titles: Goldust & Hurricane versus Conway & Dupree

Women's Title: Trish versus Molly Holly

HBK versus Lance Storm

Booker T versus Jericho

Christian versus Matt Hardy

And lastly, some questions and answers from the many great fans who have emailed me with comments and questions.

Brian Foley starts us off with a rebuttal from last week...

Q: This might sound a little harsh but I just don't see why you gush over Trish adding a few moves to her repertoire... Shouldn't all wrestlers do this? Isn't it ridiculous that Maven has added about three moves since "getting his contract"? Don't you think that a decent level of progression is to be expected in any given field of professional activity?

A: I didn't just gush over Trish for adding moves, Brian. I thought she deserved some praise for being exciting to the women's division as well as improving 10 fold as a wrestler. Yes, every wrestler SHOULD add moves from time to time. I also know that WWE has scaled everyone's move-set down to about 5-10 basic moves. However, I applauded Trish for constantly adding in new moves, sometimes moves that you would never expect a girl to do. If you have a roster of 100 guys and only one of them adds new moves that anyone notices, I think that does deserve a bit of praise.

Someone who didn't leave a name had this to say:

Q: Awesome work with the fantasy booking. The only thing that I would disagree with is the trade of Evo to Smackdown! as it would remove two established main eventers who could put over the rising stars whose futures u mentioned (Rico, Hardy etc). Everything else though is clear and logical, esp. the Lance Storm thing with Storm defending Bret Hart and what not which could lead to an appearance by Hart at 'Mania. Without meaning to be pedantic, however, Michaels telling Storm to go home to Canada with the rest of the sore losers would only turn him heel. Micheals vs Storm would rock with Storms defense of Canada but Micheals insulting Hart is the only part that can be faulted. In short, two ideas that I don't agree with but overall solid booking. WWE needs ppl like u right now...

A: Thanks for the compliments, but knowing Bret and in my own little fantasy world, Bret will not be making any appearances for my version of Raw. I'm trying to maintain some sort of realism. As for HBK downing Canadian losers. Well Shawn is still pretty cocky, and earlier this year he spent a good portion of a highlight reel with Jericho in Canada of all places making fun of how he screwed Bret. I doubt it would turn him heel. And lastly, I got rid of Evolution to get rid of Triple H. I also wanted to get rid of the temptation to book Ric Flair on top. :)

Bill Daily asks about my Fantasy Raw as well:

Q: I like your fantasy booking, as usual with something like that its tons better then what is usually going on in WWE. Will we see Taker & Kane fight in your Raw? I liked everything, except for the Matt Hardy/Lita stuff. I dunno if everyone would remember their junk from the past. As well I thought you'd focus more on Trish and the women's division.

A: As may have noticed people did remember Matt & Lita as on the Real Raw it was a large portion of the shot - hotshotted of course. Well its all one step at a time for my fantasy booking, here’s the scary part: I have a storyline for Matt Hardy, Lita, Trish, HBK, Jericho, Storm, etc etc etc....With the exception of a very few names that I used in my RAW, I have a plan and a story arc for all of those people. Which BTW, through all the emails I've read about my bookings so far NO ONE is really very close to what my plans are, which to me is exciting. You guys are understanding what I'm doing, but not catching every plot point, so I don't have to do any hotshot booking to keep you on your toes. Maybe I'm just good, I dunno. I do think a lot of you will be pleasantly surprised. Also remember, My goal is to get new stars over so don't expect a lot of big matchup from stars that are already in WWE IE: Kane & Undertaker.

Andrew Schwartz puzzles me with this question:

Q: Do you enjoy cigars at all, I am not sure if you even smoke, but I am wondering if you do. Odd question, but I am interested.

A: I'm not sure what you are trying to ask Drew, so I tell ya what, I'll plead the fifth. I'm think your some kinda Monica Lewinsky fan, and maybe your last name is really Clinton.

Kyle S. asks:

Q: Is there anybody you could single out as your favorite worker today? Not necessarily someone who's a great wrestler or what have you, but someone who you just enjoy watching.

A: Sure, Ric Flair is the best. I also enjoy watching Terry Funk, Raven has been amazing since breaking free of the WWF and AJ Styles is amazing in the ring, and lastly to shake things up a bit I enjoy watching Victoria and Trish, DUH!

Okay last question, Marky Stark gets on my case about Terri:

Q: I don't get it. One week you claim Terri is a sweetheart, and the next minute she's only there for T & A? Whats up with that?

A: Well you missed the point. Terri has been misused as a manager for Years. Literally she hasn't been used right since she was FIRST with Goldust. Since then she's been whored around to assorted teams and people, and flopped essentially everywhere. Then she was a Diva/Wrestler, and again, she was only used for T & A. Now she is a interviewer....but she never asks any informed questions, and essentially ALL she does is hold the microphone. My point was, the WWE only uses her for T & A value, yet every week on Raw she is wearing business suits and every 3rd week when her suit gets ripped off its supposed to be a big deal. They've used Terri for T & A for 5-6 YEARS now. So seeing her stripped down to Bra & Panties is strictly business as usual. WCW used to have Pamela Paulshock in the same kinda role as Terri is now, but they blatantly said she's here for T & A and had her in skimpy outfits every week. WWE is pretending that Terri is a broadcast journalist, only to really keep her around to have her clothes ripped off. Its pointless, and thus why I said if she's only there for T & A, USE HER FOR T & A!

That'll do it, and that’s my Bytch!

Takes someone DEDICATED to her craft to book Heat, for God’s sake! I never see any of YOU wannabe fantasy bookers tossing Heat into the equation!

SunTam1@yahoo.com. She’s waiting… she’s waiting to hear from YOU. Right now… she’s waiting for the e-mail to arrive this very instant… and she’s waiting for it NAKED… so get those fingers typing, geeks!

CHOKING ON CABLE!!

Taking time out from his busy schedule as ball boy for some of Minneapolis’s FINER bathe houses, Jason “I like my coffee black and my men HISPANIC!” Powell delighted his VIP readers to more news than anyone needs to hear… ONLY from the Torch and ONLY for the TRUE insiders whoarewillingtoblowmoneyonthenewsletter

Well, THIS week Jason BREAKS THE CIRCLE OF TRUST and dares report on something so secretive, so inside, so INCENDIARY… that I fear his VERY LIFE may be in danger from it… dear God, leave Jason ALONE, you monsters!!!

Anyway, he says the UFC MIGHT, just MIGHT be close to a real life cable deal… possibly on Spike TV. Spike has even gone so far as to ask Vince McMahon if he would mind a UFC show on his network. Vince said, “You go right ahead.”

Let me explain something… the UFC is BORING… the majority of any given UFC match is two men on the mat, immobile while their arms are locked. This continues for about 20 minutes before the round is over, or something like that. Then they lock up, hit the mat, and are pretty much motionless for another 20 minutes. Anytime punches are thrown, we see two, maybe four quick ones before the Ref runs in and stops it.

Sometimes, when they are locked up, one of the grapplers gets his foot free and starts banging away on the other guy’s back. For the next ten minutes, Joe Rogan screams about how the guy’s kidneys are REALLY getting pounded.

There’s a reason you people like pro wrestling… because it may be fake, but it’s NON-STOP fakery… UFC is real… but it’s NON-GO real.

There is no reason for anyone to get excited over this… other than Meltzer’s bitch boy Todd Martin, who creams his jeans over this stuff and spends pages upon pages carrying on about it. When he’s not creaming his jeans over other fighting groups and Japanese wrestling organizations that no one other than about 5 people get to see. And THAT, of course, is when he isn’t trashing the shit out of the WWE or Scott Keith’s book (the latter of which, SHOCKINGLY, I have no problems with!). A weekly UFC show would give Martin something to REALLY yammer on about!

AIN’T HE GREAT?

Well, this week Jason has the TRUE JOURNALISTIC AUDACITY THAT SEPERATES THE CLARK KENTS FROM THE JIMMY OLSONS OF THE WORLD… and WRETCHED this story from the BOWELS OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!

He says that ever since TNA became the “Jeff Jarrett Show”, locker room morale has been SUICIDAL! “I haven't seen morale this bad in any company I've worked in ” said one “noted veteran… no doubt WILLIE THE WORKER!!!

Indeed… morale for a bunch of wrestlers who only have to be together one day a week and fend for themselves the other 6 is SO low that I, Chris the Fuck Hyatte, have uncovered THESE stories… morale sucks in TNA SO BAD that during the rest of the week, TNA workers in a state of mass depression have been spotted doing the following:

-A.J. Styles is so depressed that he was seen looking at brochures out of his local Church of Satan… he was overheard muttering “Fuck God.”.

-Furthermore, A.J. Styles is so depressed he has been seen putting only ONE coat of paint on his client’s houses… not TWO as his contract promises. (and boy, is Flea PISSED!)

-James Mitchell is so depressed he’s been knocking them dead with his one-two punch of “Crazy” and “One More for the Road” at some of the seediest karaoke bars the South has to offer!

-Raven’s so depressed he’s… well, I’ll get to what HE’S resorted to in just a minute.

-Goldylocks is so depressed she’s been swallowing.

-Chris Daniels has been so depressed he’s stopped selling any moves anywhere. (actually, he ALWAYS does that… he ain’t the King of the Indys for nothing, ya’know!)

-America’s Most Wanted are so depressed they actually tried to turn themselves in! Turns out the only people who “want” them are the mother’s of their various rat children!

-Lex Luger has been so depressed he went and killed someone. (seemed to have worked the first time around)

-Erik Watts is so depressed he has actually been making a concerted effort to improve his wrest… his wrest… *snort… heh hah ha ha… his WRESTLING SKI… HAHAHAHAHAHAAA OOOOO I CAN’T WRITE THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!!... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.

-Vince Russo’s so depressed that… actually, people are saying they haven’t seen Vinnie Ru so chipper in YEARS.

Damn that Jeff Jarrett, damn him all to Hell. He’s RUINING THE BUSINESS!!!

DIAL 1-800-NEVERMORE!!

Quick, what do Lorenzo Lamas, Kato Kaelin, Leon Spinks, Cindy Margolis, Todd Bridges, Horshack, The Professor from “Gilligan’s Island”, Richard Hatch, Lou Ferrigno, the only Black Vulcan EVER, BJ from “BJ and the Bear”, not one but BOTH Barbi Twins, the original American Werewolf in London, and a whole bunch of other people I never heard of all have in common with RAVEN?

Why, for $30, they’ll CALL YOU!!

Now for the first time ever you can have a real celebrity call you or a friend for just $19.95.

They can also deliver a brief customized message written by you for $29.95.

Whether it's for a special occasion or just for the fun of it, there's no better way to impress a client, a sweetheart or a friend than to have a celebrity call. So place your order today.

THESE ARE NOT PRE-RECORDED MESSAGES OR VOICE IMPERSONATORS. ALL CALLS ARE MADE LIVE BY THE ACTUAL CELEBRITY

CALL JUST TO SAY HI

MOTIVATIONAL CALL

CONGRATULATIONS

VALENTINE'S DAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

SWEETEST DAY

MOTHER'S DAY

THANK YOU

CHRISTMAS

IT'S NOT JUST FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS.

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JUST FOR THE FUN OF SPEAKING WITH A CELEBRITY

My question is… what could Todd Bridges POSSIBLY motivate you with, other than “Dude, do the opposite of everything I’ve ever done and you’ll be fine!”

Someone has to get Raven to call them… and if you DO, might I offer THESE questions:

-What does semen taste like anyway?

-What really does happen when the “Levy” breaks?

-Ever do blow with Todd Bridges?

-What’s Goldylocks like in the sack?

-Were YOU Willie the Worker?

-Are you excited about 411Black?

-Are you afraid that Eddie Vedder might put a hit out on you for stealing his whole act?

-Admit it, you and the rest of the locker room laugh at Erik Watts behind his back, don’t you?

-Are the rumors about James Mitchell’s massive shlong true?

-How come you can’t go a week without getting bitchslapped on TV?

-Jeff Hardy’s last act before drugging himself right out of the WWE was to toss your ass out… how’s that sitting with ya?

-Why is Tammy Sytch wasting her time writing for a moron like Hyatte?

-Is it safe to say that Paul Heyman JEWED you on a few paychecks?

And since I can’t imagine the phone call being scheduled to last more than 3 minutes, that ought to be as many questions as you’ll get in.

I’d make a crack about fallen stars but… well, brother’s GOT to get paid, muthafukka… let’s leave Scotty be.

-What really does happen when the “Levy” breaks?… BWAHAHAHAHAAA Hy-8 rules!!!

MY THREE STOOGES

One night, Rick Scaia decided to step out online and chatter with friends… (probably that fruit, CRZ with and his wife who has a goatee).

It wasn’t a good night for the poor bastard:

PeoplesEgo: You know...they say all these bad things about The Rick and how he believes that he's too good for his fans and everything, but I defend you, Rick...I try to tell 'em, all...he's just busy being better than everyone else. Ain't that right, Rick?

PeoplesEgo: Uh...Rick? You ain't gonna defend yourself? They're right here...they're listening...waiting with bated breath to hear your every word...each riveting statement...each monumental phrase that emerges from the depths of your genius level brain...

PeoplesEgo:....hmm...more silence.

PeoplesEgo: Tell the truth, Rick...you're a virgin, aren't you?

PeoplesEgo: You've never seen any parts of the pussy, have you?

PeoplesEgo: Who's gotten closer...The Rick or Scooter Keith?

PeoplesEgo: I've heard that The Rick has hairy palms...

PeoplesEgo: Buck up, little trooper...one day, you'll score...and you'll show them all...

PeoplesEgo: I take that back...I can't even type it with a straight face.

PeoplesEgo: Why do you even bother coming on the Instant Messenger? I can't be the only one doing this to you right now.

OORick signed off at 10:31:51 PM.

RaYzor686: Tell me, is Hyatte your friend?

RaYzor686: you will answer sir

RaYzor686: tis not a difficult question

OORick signed off at 10:34:12 PM.

Biggdeez53: are you getting nervous?

Biggdeez53: they caught Wacko Jacko you gotta be next right?

Biggdeez53: SickOO RickOO

Biggdeez53: that's what they'll call you

Biggdeez53: maybe OOSick OORick

Biggdeez53: i mean this might turn out well for you actually

Biggdeez53: without Jacko you can get most of the boys to yourself

Biggdeez53: you won't get played anymore know what i mean

Biggdeez53: but you've gotta be there for them ok, these guys are going to be so sad that their bed buddy is gone, so don't hug the comforter and be gentle

Biggdeez53: i mean hog the comforter, damn I suck at typing when the big news hits

OORick signed off at 10:34:48 PM

I thought about spreading these out over three weeks… but blasting them out all at once is waaaay funnier!

Is Rick still around? I mean, does he still have a site?

A LIVE MIC = DANGER!

I’ll keep posting these so long as you keep sending them. Just try to be as accurate as possible.

*note: some of these may be wholly imaginary

Stephanie McMahon, I know that to you a summerslam is just a quickie in someone’s backseat on a hot August night night!- Chris Jericho

Jeff Hardy’s got a ladder! What’s the ladder for??

What’s the ladder for? Oh he’s gonna paint his garage!- Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler

Ric Flair’s climbing the ropes!! Uh oh, Goldberg’s got him! That move hasn’t worked in thirty years!!- Jim Ross last Sunday.

Christopher, Tammy and I have been thinking and… well, you’ve been so nice to us that… (giggles) we bought some whipped cream and Viagra and… the suite is booked for the entire weekend.- Trish Stratus

I know I have to say something to get a bastard like Bob Armstrong to fight me. I know you’re a cowardly son of bitch. No wait, everyone knows southeasterners have no self respect. I know, your children are all bastards. No wait, everyone knows southeasterners don’t give a damn about their kids. I know, your wife is a whore. No wait, everyone knows southeasters don’t give a damn about their wives. I got it. The one thing that will make that coward Bob Armstrong fight me, your mistress is a whore!- Terry Funk on Smokey Mountain Wrestling

ARE YOU TALKING TO… TO…LINE?

You know, like with the wrestling quotes you guys are more than welcome to send in favorite movie quotes too… just make sure they are accurate.

Where are you going?

He's white and dead, I’m black and gone!-Lucky

Did you get the stuff?

I got the beer, some chips for the doctor, and a big gulp Dr Pepper for me. I’m a Pepper, you’re a pepper, he’s a Pepper, she’s a Pepper, we’re a Pepper, wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?

WILL YOU GET IN HERE!!

Right!- The Cannonball Run

Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Rock Roll. That’s all life needs to be

But could you live your life without music?

Oh sure. So long as there are sex and drugs I don’t need music- This is Spinal Tap

Spike!

So you’ve heard of me!

I met you. Back in 1963. We stumbled across you feeding at an orphanage. You managed to get away but not before you slaughtered six of my men.

Oh… (long pause) So how’ve you been?- Angel

So it isn’t a movie… Angel is cool… and it’s my column. Put two and two together and you get EAT ME!!

Okay, we’re gonna wrap it up now… time to call it a column. That’s right. All set. Yup. I’ve got nothing left to say.

No, really… I don’t.

This is Hy… oh SHIT… I almost forgot one little thing…

THE BIGGEST BUT, PLUG OF THEM ALL

I’m giving you a Thanksgiving gift. But don’t worry, even you godless Canadian heathens can enjoy it too.

And when I do come back, I'll come back with the THUNDER.... those in the know can keep an eye on the secret place for a lot of new content and those NOT in the know can keep an eye out for a brand new And Another Thing piece right here at 411... when the new AAT is posted, you'll know I'm back.

Me: This column, 12.09.02

Almost a year later… finally.

I thought about setting this up… thought about cutting an excerpt or something… then decided not to. No teases… no hints… no previews.

This is what I want you to do. I want you to click on 411 sometime before 11:59 pm on Wednesday, and you’ll see it… staring you right in the face. “And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H” and before you click, I want you to think about something…

I want you to think about what could possibly be in there. I want you to think what I could possibly have to say about Triple H that hasn’t been said before. I want you to think about every single thing I’ve ever written and wonder “Jesus, he’s pimped this so hard and for so long, he’s got a lot to live up to here. People will be PRAYING that he falls on his face and make a fool of himself.”

Then I want you remember what I’m about to say right here, right now…

It’s better than you could imagine.

For too long I’ve sat quietly and banged out half-assed crap columns because I didn’t have time to do otherwise and I’ve seen people say that I’m all done, I’m burned out, I’m washed up. I sat back and laughed.

For too long I’ve sat back and watched other writers try their very best to show off their talents, their knowledge, their skills. Some have done okay, others have sucked the big fat root… because I’ve been half-assing it, a lot of you might be thinking that I’m no longer the best damn writer you asses are lucky enough to get for free, that there are many, many more people out there waaaay better than me. Feel free to keep thinking that.

For WAAAAY too long I’ve had to sit and listen to you people bitch and moan about how I haven’t given you my best. Now you get to see why. Because I’ve learned to save my VERY best for special occasions… like this Wednesday. And by Christ, my best is staggering in its intensity!

To those who knew and trusted… the reward is here.

To those who are new to me… be prepared to be blown away.

And to the rest of you motherless cocksuckers… you’re all on notice. The finest piece of net work you’ve ever read is two days away. And all you’ll be able to do is sit there and pretend you didn’t read it. And be miserable.

In fact, I’m worried. I’m worried that a lot of you will only read what you see without fully understanding the layers I’m providing. Look for the subtext, assholes. Deep down it’s a philosophical essay on emotion vs practicality, business vs passion, money vs love. It’s also an examination on internet obsession on specifics and being wildly confident on base assumptions about what goes on inside the business (there’s even a self-effacing joke on…. well, you can find it and figure it out for yourself) . I’m worried that some of you idiots might skip the point and blow the thing off as just another Hyatte attempt to make fun of certain people.

And you ARE idiots if you blow it off so easily, because I did what I set out to do here. I held up my end.

There’s your goddam hint, by the way. Here’s another one: It’s huge… biggest column ever written. Period. The record is broken here. AND THERE ISN’T A GODDAM FAGGOTY “*” IN SIGHT!!!

It’s been a year in the making… a year of ups and downs for me personally and on the Net… a year where a lot of you have forgotten just how fucking good I can be. A year where you remembered how to underestimate me. Fuckfaces.

This Wednesday, you’re all gonna be reminded that I’m the King of the Net for a damn good reason.

This Wednesday, you’re all gonna be reminded that no one, NO ONE can touch me.

You bitches better run for cover.

Triple H gets taken this Wednesday.

You don’t deserve this or me.

This is Hyatte